Post by Peffkitten on Jun 19, 2002 3:17:26 GMT -5
This is a comedy sketch that was banned from being shown on the BBC because a Christian who worked there found it offensive. True dat.
See what you think.
SIMON Hello. It's me. Simon Quinlank, the very reverend archbishop of hobby with another hobby for you to do. The Lord God's hobby was to create the world and the universe and all that is in 6 days. And then on Sunday he rested from his hobby. But I, Simon Quinlank, am better than God, as I have a hobby for every day of the week. This week I have a good hobby for people who, like the unimaginative Lord of creation, can't think of a hobby to do on Sunday. What you will need for this hobby.
HE HOLDS UP THE THINGS AS HE SAYS THEM
SIMON Some running shoes, a watch by which to tell the time, a flask of weak lemon drink, and a chart detailing the times of all the Christian church services in your area. This hobby is a good hobby if you like, running, drinking alcohol, and eating very small pieces of unleavened bread. This hobby is called "Christian Church Crawling". How to do this hobby.
SIMON IN BED ASLEEP. HIS THUNDERBIRD ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF. SIMON WAKES UP.
SIMON On Sunday morning wake early and put on your running shoes and other clothes as well. Check your Christian Church service chart and see which local Christian Church's christian church service starts first. My first Christian Church service today is at St Simon the Appelite in Ringfield Rd at 6:30am. Run to the first Christian Church service as quickly as possible.
HE RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM. CUT TO HIM RUNNING UP A STREET. THEN RUNNING UP TO THE FRONT OF A CHURCH. THEN INTO THE CHURCH.
CHURCH INTERIOR. A SERVICE IS GOING ON. IT IS NEARLY THE TIME OF HOLY COMMUNION. SIMON SITS DOWN.
SIMON When you have arrived at the Christian church, sit in the pew and wait for the holy Christian communion to begin. When it does, run up and partake you of the wine and bread. You must be the first to partake you of it or it doesn't count.
HE BARGES PAST THE CHRISTIANS. THEY LOOK ANNOYED.
VICAR The blood of Christ... the body of Christ...
SIMON Thank-you Rector! That was delicious.
HE RUNS AWAY
SIMON As soon as you have supped ye and eaten ye, run quickly to your next Christian Church and so on.
SIMON OUTSIDE ANOTHER CHURCH WITH MAP
SIMON When you become adept at Christian Church crawling and plan your day carefully you will find you can time it so you arrive at each Christian Church at the exact time the communion part of the service starts, and so you don't have to sit around listening to all the boring hymns and the vicar's streched analogies.
SIMON ENTER CHURCH. GOES UP THE AISLE.
SIMON Today I have attended 37 communions and run a total of 43 miles.
VICAR The blood of Christ... the body of Christ...
SIMON Thank-you Rector. Urrrrgh, That wine tasted cheap and horrible!
VICAR Quiet please! You're making a travesty of the eucharist.
SIMON Drink you weak lemon drink now to rid your palate of the unpleasant taste or save it for later in case you get a particularly dry piece of unleavened bread. Drink it now!
VICAR Get that weak lemon drink out of here. This is the house of God!
SIMON RUNNING ALONG
SIMON Time how long your Christian Church Crawl took this week and see if you can beat your best time next Sunday. This hobby is a good hobby as it is a good way to get exercise, and to get drunk for free... and to eat some free bread as well.
SIMON IN DEN
SIMON Plus, if you go to only Catholic Christian Churches then they believe in the doctrine of Transubstantiation, whereby the bread and wine literally become the body and blood of Jesus. So far, taking Jesus to be the size of an average Nazarene man, I have eaten nine whole Jesuses plus one of Jesus legs. This is more whole Jesuses than anyone has ever eaten. Neil Petark says he has eaten 12 Jesuses, but he includes bread and wine consumed at Protestant Churches, and Protestants do not believe in Transubstantiation so he is wrong and I am still the Jesus eating King. Neil Petark has really only eaten 4 Jesuses which is rubbish.
See you next time!
See what you think.
SIMON Hello. It's me. Simon Quinlank, the very reverend archbishop of hobby with another hobby for you to do. The Lord God's hobby was to create the world and the universe and all that is in 6 days. And then on Sunday he rested from his hobby. But I, Simon Quinlank, am better than God, as I have a hobby for every day of the week. This week I have a good hobby for people who, like the unimaginative Lord of creation, can't think of a hobby to do on Sunday. What you will need for this hobby.
HE HOLDS UP THE THINGS AS HE SAYS THEM
SIMON Some running shoes, a watch by which to tell the time, a flask of weak lemon drink, and a chart detailing the times of all the Christian church services in your area. This hobby is a good hobby if you like, running, drinking alcohol, and eating very small pieces of unleavened bread. This hobby is called "Christian Church Crawling". How to do this hobby.
SIMON IN BED ASLEEP. HIS THUNDERBIRD ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF. SIMON WAKES UP.
SIMON On Sunday morning wake early and put on your running shoes and other clothes as well. Check your Christian Church service chart and see which local Christian Church's christian church service starts first. My first Christian Church service today is at St Simon the Appelite in Ringfield Rd at 6:30am. Run to the first Christian Church service as quickly as possible.
HE RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM. CUT TO HIM RUNNING UP A STREET. THEN RUNNING UP TO THE FRONT OF A CHURCH. THEN INTO THE CHURCH.
CHURCH INTERIOR. A SERVICE IS GOING ON. IT IS NEARLY THE TIME OF HOLY COMMUNION. SIMON SITS DOWN.
SIMON When you have arrived at the Christian church, sit in the pew and wait for the holy Christian communion to begin. When it does, run up and partake you of the wine and bread. You must be the first to partake you of it or it doesn't count.
HE BARGES PAST THE CHRISTIANS. THEY LOOK ANNOYED.
VICAR The blood of Christ... the body of Christ...
SIMON Thank-you Rector! That was delicious.
HE RUNS AWAY
SIMON As soon as you have supped ye and eaten ye, run quickly to your next Christian Church and so on.
SIMON OUTSIDE ANOTHER CHURCH WITH MAP
SIMON When you become adept at Christian Church crawling and plan your day carefully you will find you can time it so you arrive at each Christian Church at the exact time the communion part of the service starts, and so you don't have to sit around listening to all the boring hymns and the vicar's streched analogies.
SIMON ENTER CHURCH. GOES UP THE AISLE.
SIMON Today I have attended 37 communions and run a total of 43 miles.
VICAR The blood of Christ... the body of Christ...
SIMON Thank-you Rector. Urrrrgh, That wine tasted cheap and horrible!
VICAR Quiet please! You're making a travesty of the eucharist.
SIMON Drink you weak lemon drink now to rid your palate of the unpleasant taste or save it for later in case you get a particularly dry piece of unleavened bread. Drink it now!
VICAR Get that weak lemon drink out of here. This is the house of God!
SIMON RUNNING ALONG
SIMON Time how long your Christian Church Crawl took this week and see if you can beat your best time next Sunday. This hobby is a good hobby as it is a good way to get exercise, and to get drunk for free... and to eat some free bread as well.
SIMON IN DEN
SIMON Plus, if you go to only Catholic Christian Churches then they believe in the doctrine of Transubstantiation, whereby the bread and wine literally become the body and blood of Jesus. So far, taking Jesus to be the size of an average Nazarene man, I have eaten nine whole Jesuses plus one of Jesus legs. This is more whole Jesuses than anyone has ever eaten. Neil Petark says he has eaten 12 Jesuses, but he includes bread and wine consumed at Protestant Churches, and Protestants do not believe in Transubstantiation so he is wrong and I am still the Jesus eating King. Neil Petark has really only eaten 4 Jesuses which is rubbish.
See you next time!
